To be Female, Emotionally Broken, and Black — The Shaken Not Stirred Life

I thought as a therapist it is time for me to be transparent with my followers on my true beliefs of therapy. Therapy is so much more than sitting on a couch with aromatherapy in the room. For many talking about your emotional health is laughed at, many people will poke fun at you, especially if you are a keep everything in the house black woman.

For years, mainstream media has been perpetuating the ideology that black women don’t ask for help—we are the help.

History led me to believe that asking for help wasn’t a luxury afforded to me. I believed it was something for rich (oftentimes white) people. I believed that I should be strong enough to forge onward without the external support. The strong black woman label is loaded.

I started therapy for many reasons, one it was time, two I needed more tools in my toolbox, and three I wanted to show up and show Black women in particular the benefits of healing. I remember watching Kerri Washington in her role as Olivia Pope and hearing her say that iconic phrase “it’s handled”. This is how strong black women often respond even at the detriment of themselves. That was something I was tired of being, strong, and saying I got this. The façade that everything was okay, as if being hurt makes me weak.

Here are five reasons why I started my journey and hopefully they will resonate with you and your journey to being whole.

1. Master your past so that the present can bring something new and better

All of us have been thrown into our lives, for better or worse. No one asked for it, but our habits and ways travel onward with us. During therapy, you are given space to examine yourself. Who you are depends on what you choose to carry with you. When you give yourself the ability to heal from the pain you use it as a tool, no longer as a crutch. You, yes you, I know you were molested, abandoned, neglected, abused, but that is not what determines who you are, however, does it play a role in who you are, of course it does. When you truly understand your past you open yourself up to change.

2. The ability to SEE clearer

Each of us sees the world through a unique eyepiece. At times, our lenses may have a depressive film or it may be darkened or obscured by soot or fog. What we perceive feels very real because it’s all we know. A therapist is like an eye-doctor who continually works with you to find a good prescription, helps you to clear, adjust, focus and refocus the optic from which you see the world. We can be our own worst enemy without knowing it. It is chilling to witness the harsh punishment many of us unleash upon ourselves. At times, it may feel justified—you’re teaching yourself a lesson. But there’s no lesson learned. Therapy unveils the crueler aspects of our relationship to ourselves. Ideally, the punitive part can become more nurturing; and the wounded part can come to feel more worthy of care. Experiencing empathy, understanding, and compassion help you to be kinder to yourself.

3. You are not ALONE

I was angry, hurt, confused, sad. I had a million questions. What did I do wrong to cause me to be so messed up but the truth of the matter is, I did nothing.SO, the next time you Question the impact from your childhood trauma, remember you were not the cause but the affect of the situation. Also, know you are not alone.

4. Counseling will work if you work it.

I got to a point in my life and journey that I could no longer run on the hamster wheel. To be frank I was tired as FUCK. All I would do is constantly sabotage myself, progress in my marriage, progress in my life. I knew I could no longer do this alone or the same way. I went to therapy and sat there waiting like many of my clients for this magic potion, not doing the work after and said man this ish ain’t working. I continued to do the same things and found myself at a standstill. I knew I could no longer prioritize counseling for my husband, my parents, for my kids. I had to prioritize it for me. Then I found my therapist and let me tell you on the first session sis had me pulling my hair. “ I know she ain’t checking me.” Yes she is and to be honest I needed to be checked. She gave me the tools but I finally opened up my tool box when situations that usually led to my sabotage arise. I began to do the work. I was able to identify my life altering event. I was able to look at the history and generational traumas passed down in my family. I was able to call it and challenge myself to make the changes and heal. This not only helped me heal, it helped me restructure my life and attitude. Let me tell you, if you don’t believe it will change your life, I dare you to try it. Often times we neglect our mental health, and stay on top of our physical but they are connected as one. They work in unison and if you would go check on your heart with your cardiologist why won’t you check in with a therapist about your social/emotional health.

5. The process

The greatest barrier to love is the FEAR of it...fear of rejection, abandonment, disappointment, opening old wounds. Our automatic responses kick in for protection. That usually means we run from the possibility of being hurt. In therapy, we examine that knee jerk reaction in slow motion. Over time, you are more at ease when old fears and patterns resurface. You develop the confidence that you won’t be utterly crushed by making yourself vulnerable.

It’s an honor in the sense that women who look like me and have endured the most egregious atrocities over time have been able to not only survive, but also to thrive. At the same time, the strong black woman label can negate the very real pain that black women can and do experience. Once I realized my pain was valid and deserving of treatment and was able to acknowledge the strength in asking for help, I felt secure enough to begin looking for a therapist. I have found the right person this took a lot to find the fit for me.

So, ladies, moving forward, don’t let anyone call you a strong black woman and leave it at that. Allow yourself to identify as a strong black woman, and also as someone deserving of (and sometimes in need of) asking for help.

As always I love you ladies thank you for riding this journey with me and being emotionally vulnerable take the risk try therapy it works if you work it.

Love,

Kalynn xoxo